I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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