I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
