Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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