He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
