I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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