You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
