Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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