She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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