I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
