Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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