do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
