Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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