3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
