bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize