We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
