the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
