It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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