First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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