saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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