I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
