he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
