I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
