I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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