wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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