you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
