How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
