im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
