Sry I called you an 8
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
