he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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