im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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