New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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