You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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