community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
