i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
