So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
