Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
