She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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