im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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