my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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