the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize