did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The air was thick with penises
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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