i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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