Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
