She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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