Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
