Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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