I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
