goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
