i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
