I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
