your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
