life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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