I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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