So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
