I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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