Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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