i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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